Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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