Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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