My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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