The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
