i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
