all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
