Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
