She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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