No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
