So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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