I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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