i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
