you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
