it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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