I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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