please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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