Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
