my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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