brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
