So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It's blow job season.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
you never un-have a 4some
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
