At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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