Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
