Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
