is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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