Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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