I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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