dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
two words...techno handjob
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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