I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
She swung at the pinata with crutches
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Floor bacon is actually really good
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
