Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
