If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
