I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
