so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
