Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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