I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
