i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
