you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
