: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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