so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
