I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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