btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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