Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize