Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
