Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
