After last night, I could never be a politician.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
