Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
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Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
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Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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