Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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