Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize