There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
