My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
