Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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