I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
