happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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