i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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