Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
