Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I want a musical about memes.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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