Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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