I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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