woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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